Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.