dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.