@AndyAsAdjective
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
@TheAlexNevil
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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@AndyAsAdjective
@RunOldMan
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
@wesleysnipes
Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.
@Book_Krazy
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
@Ameiam
Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
@Wakenbake77
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had
@WilliamAder
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
@fuzzypantaloons
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
@Wine_Charmer
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
@kristygee
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.