@TheAlexNevil

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

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@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@RunOldMan

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

@wesleysnipes

Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.

@Book_Krazy

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

@Ameiam

Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

@Wakenbake77

if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had

@WilliamAder

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

@fuzzypantaloons

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

@Wine_Charmer

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

@kristygee

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.