@Tbone7219
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
@sixfootcandy
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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@Tbone7219
@lildandeli0n
Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.
Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??
@Dustinkcouch
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
@TheOneTrueDisco
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
@UnFitz
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
@mattZillaaaa
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
@RealTrevorJee
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
@joeljeffrey
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
@bonehugsnirony
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
@BurbidgeJames
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!