Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.