Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

You Might Also Like


Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.


Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??


therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/


On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock


*Both show rock


*Both show rock


Caveman: This game is stupid.


[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.


Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet


You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.


Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try


“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!