Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
early stone age tool
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*