Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
scrabbled eggs
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
never deleting this app.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.