[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks