“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?
If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.
– Me as a Gynaecologist