@KalvinMacleod

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

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@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

@iwearaonesie

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

@MandiAtRandom

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

@ColoChiver

If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.

@VerifiedDrunk

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

@Poutymcgee

ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist