Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A leaf blower, but for people.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.