Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.