DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them