DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
You Might Also Like
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
you will never know the true number of layers
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Its a hippotatomus
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me