“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”


“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans


[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh


It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.


VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.


‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’


No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.


I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)


When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?