[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies
ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.