DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down