@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

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@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@seancehat

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

@Reverend_Scott

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

@dubiousrhetoric

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

@thegreatnanak

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

@UnFitz

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?