@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

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@imteddybless

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

@TheBoydP

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

@Home_Halfway

FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning

@Cherbearxo

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@lolajxx

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

@AngelaEhh

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

@JediGigi

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

@HatfieldAnne

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.