Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’