Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Animal poetry
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Need WebMD
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..