“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Ok but actually
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*orders delivery*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.