Dating is a lot like hiking.

Don’t take the psycho-path.

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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.


NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god


I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.


[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him


The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.


*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.