Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Dating is a lot like hiking.
Don’t take the psycho-path.
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HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS