@Boymachinist

Dating is a lot like hiking.

Don’t take the psycho-path.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

@electrolemon

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

@HavocMantis

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@JPLFR80

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@daemonic3

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

@ClichedOut

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

@Mom_Overboard

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS