Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us