Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah


Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.


WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff


My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.


[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.


Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole


One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…


I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.


Them: can I talk to you?

Me: not now, I’m in a bad mood.

Them: why?

Me: because you wanna talk to me


I just threw a handful of video games into a crowded mall and there wasn’t a single fatality.