Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
No Google it does not
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.