Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Great game to play with friends
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all