Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.