Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Hello Twits.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best