@mdob11: Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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@JohnLyonTweets: [flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@BoomBoomBetty: [falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed] [a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine] Me, squeezing back: Awww.
@GrantTanaka: this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you leave a good tip? [flashback to me writing "Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic" on the check] me: Yep