@juliussharpe

Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

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@PinkCamoTO

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

@ShalyahEvans

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

@HenpeckedHal

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

@juanadog

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

@canadian_jane

This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”

@fightforfood

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

@hippieswordfish

robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*