Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

You Might Also Like


Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.


A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own


caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?


911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.


This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.


Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”


[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain


{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!


robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*