@ginnyhogan_

Dating is so hard. Like, what does it mean when a guy doesn’t watch your Instagram stories, doesn’t like your tweets, doesn’t respond to your texts, and is dating someone else?

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

@capnwatsisname

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

@Lee_Mthi

my mom’s friend told me that I need to lose weight. I told her she’s the last one to speak to me because still struggling with the baby weight from her first born who is now 40. it’s tense in the house right now ♥️

@Lisacossey1

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

@goodballs

How to get out of a bad date.

1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@starringmichell

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

@Marlebean

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

@iwearaonesie

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]