Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
A customer told me they were never coming back….