Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

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My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts


It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me


All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road


You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.


The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.


[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”