MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley