@TheWeirdWorld

Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

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@sexncake

My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts

@Phook75

It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me

@simoncholland

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@Kvy_kv

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@Reverend_Scott

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”