My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.
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It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me
shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”