dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
The Others (2001)
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Sorry not sorry.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
bro what is going on at twitter
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
More like Kate Missington.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant