@shkeeber

Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.

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@Dr_awfulpants

I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*

@HrBry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@herprettybones

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@DiamondLou69

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

@Oncefallen

Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.