one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me