dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.