Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Noah
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad