Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh


Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.


I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged


[recording studio]
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.


Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*


When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.


“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.


My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.


I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.