dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
#ProTip
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg