Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

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People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.


Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now


After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.


I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.