@ashleyaustrew

Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

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@brendohare

People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??

@alfageeek

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

@fro_vo

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

@iGreenGod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

@SteelFontana

I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.

@AllyBallyBeal

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

@Lance_Said_This

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!