Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
They did not miss in the small print
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!