[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Why stop with two L’s Lloyd? why?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?