@PostCultRev

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

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@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@WheelTod

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

@theshamingofjay

The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

@edgarrants

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

@Brianhopecomedy

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?