@dafloydsta
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
@PostCultRev
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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@dafloydsta
@Shot_Of_Cabo
Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”
@JohnLyonTweets
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
@WheelTod
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
@theshamingofjay
The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
@GrandadJFreeman
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
@edgarrants
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
@joeveix
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
@web_supergirl
Why stop with two L’s Lloyd? why?
@Brianhopecomedy
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?