DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

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It’s not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you’ve missed your exit by 37 states.


This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”


I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence en????? ???? ??


Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”


I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.


Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.


I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.