ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three