Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.