Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?