dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.