dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.