DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
All is fair in drunk and war.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.