DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.