My diet is similar to a 9 year old who just found $20.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years