Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
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Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?