DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.