Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.

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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me


When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.


And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.


How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*


How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”