[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Cake!!
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*