@TDeeRock

Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.

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@MelvinofYork

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

@Blunt_Sarcastic

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@RickAaron

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@briancthayer

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

@LoriLuvsShoes

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”