DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
All excellent questions
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
crochet youtube is brutal
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants