@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@KeetPotato

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

@E_lok44

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

@beefman138

Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.

@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

@Tmoney68

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.