@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

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@GensPlace

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

@mtobey

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

@MooseAllain

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

@yashar

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

@EndhooS

Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot

@ZoeLightly

I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*

@Tbone7219

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

@chrislhayes

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”