DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.