Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Just got to our Airbnb!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.