DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I can鈥檛 stop laughing at this
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I wouldn鈥檛 ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can鈥檛 eat it twice.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you鈥檙e back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don鈥檛 have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I鈥檓 so excited, I just sold my first house. I鈥檓 not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[eye doctor鈥檚 office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they鈥檙e unhealthy
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.