@dildointherough

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

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@DamienFahey

Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

@KyleMcDowell86

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

@SamInspired

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

@whatbabytalk

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.

@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

@SortaBad

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)